Arsenal : Drowning in Oil Money

Manchester City have thrown an incredible amount of money around in the last couple of years. Even when Thaksin Shinawatra was at the helm of the club, they managed to spunk quite a bit, with Sven Goran Eriksson doing what he does best; spending other people’s money. Mark Hughes was in place when the big money arrived in 2009 (in the guise of mega-rich Sheikh Mansour of the United Arab Emirates) and wasted no time whatsoever in splashing the cash.
The club that has received the largest share of this Arab wonga has been Arsenal. Through a combination of acquiescence and pressure, Arsenal have sold Manchester City a selection of their finest players.
As with all newly super-rich clubs, there is a defined recruitment process that City needed to follow as they tried to establish themselves as a force. The first stage was to recruit players capable of challenging in the league. Mark Hughes built on the work of Sven and recruited capable players such as Santa Cruz, Given, Bellamy, and perennial wage chaser Wayne Bridge. He was also able to sign luxury items such as the cry baby Robinho, the incredible sulk Carlos Tevez and everyones favourite king-fu fighter Nigel De Jong.
Adebayor and Kolo Toure were the first to go up to Manchester from Arsenal and were part of that initial recruitment wave. Nobody at Arsenal gave a monkeys chuff that Adebayor left. As soon as he started likening AC Milan to a beautiful woman (Beyonce, I seem to remember) the Gooners faithful lost interest in him. From that point on it was to prove a rocky relationship between player and supporters (that culminated in the disgraceful chants by Arsenal away fans at White Hart Lane last weekend).
Kolo Toure, on the other hand, was sorely missed. Nobody could work out why Kolo had to go, as he was a firm fans favourite. The reason for his departure had something to do with a personality clash with William Gallas, a fact that mystified supporters when Gallas was allowed to leave for nothing after running his contract down not long after. What made the whole scenario all the more confusing was that nobody really liked the mardy French twat in the first place – sure, Gallas is a quality player, but he’s also a giant numpty.
The second stage of recruitment was to supplement the initial signings with players of increasing stature and quality, until they are purchasing players who can be really considered top class. Chelsea bought Drogba, Essien and Cech (and later Mata and Torres), Manchester City have bought Dzeko, Yaya Toure, Silva and Aguero.
More recently Arsenal have had two of their French internationals leave the fold in search of pastures light-blue (as part of this second wave). Gael Clichy and Samir Nasri both left the club in recent months. Amusingly, Clichy was previously quoted as saying “I really believe if you are a player who thinks only about money then you could end up at Manchester City” back in 2009. In fairness to him, that was then and this is now. Word on the street is that Kolo was his best friend at Arsenal and Manchester City are an altogether more exciting prospect than they were two years ago.
Samir Nasri was a much more frustrating transfer. Arsenal supporters had taken him into their hearts and had supported him through some indifferent form early on in his Arsenal career. Finally, the boy had come good, and when Cesc left it seemed as if it was Nasri who would fill the hole left by the Spaniard. But no, Nasri had other ideas. He took the paychecks when it suited him and left when it suited him. Whilst it’s true that Arsenal didn’t have to sell him, there was significant pressure from the board, the player, and largely via the media, Manchester City. Poor old Arsene Wenger was left pissing in the wind after repeatedly stating his determination to keep the player, only to have the club undermine his wishes and cash in on the French international.
All these transfers are what they are, which is a combination of two things. The first factor is obviously money. Manchester City are able to offer significantly more money than their North London rivals. Considering the falling value of the pound and massive tax rates that the players have to pay, its safe to say that these same players could earn a lot more overseas than they do at Arsenal, but it’s testament to the quality of our league that they want to stay in it. There are only a couple of clubs who can currently match the top continental wages and City are one of those clubs. The second factor is sporting ambition. Two years ago, when Adebayor and co made their way to the (yet to be renamed) Etihad Stadium, the ambition was there for all to see, they were just a few years away from realising it. Now it’s a different matter. Think what you want about them (and believe me – I think they’re just about the most immoral club in football and that along with Chelsea, they’re ruining the sport and making it a complete joke) but they’re here to stay and from now on, they’re going to have a massive say in who wins the cups, the Premier League and the Champions League.
So, with the history briefly explained and all the relevant factors taken into account, it will come as no surprise to hear that the latest Arsenal player to be talked about in the same breath as Manchester City is Robin Van Persie. If I was a betting man I’d say that Theo Walcott is a gnat’s pube behind the same level of concerted rumour mongering. But that’s just speculation on my part.
A 30 million bid for the Dutch international has been mooted as a possibility in January. What is perhaps most concerning for the Gunners is Van P’s recent admission that he doesn’t know where his long term future is BUT he wants to stay in the Premier League. That looks like a very carefully worded green light for City, if you ask me. Whilst it would be a surprise to see Van Persie turn his back on the club that nurtured his prodigious talent, would it really be all that shocking?
Arsenal have, in many respects, done most of this to themselves. By using City as a convenient place to offload their players for high financial returns, they have strengthened a rival considerably at the same time as weakening themselves. Yes, they might be a bit closer to paying off that mortgage, but at what cost to their sporting ambitions in the short-term?
On the other side of the argument, there is something happening to the English game that affects all clubs, not just Arsenal. Manchester City are not breaking new ground, they are merely following the path laid down for them by Chelsea. The West London clubs introduction in the title battle has effectively run Arsenal to ground. Sure, the Gunners have come close in recent years, as have Liverpool, but the only clubs to have actually won the league since Chelsea became major players are Chelsea and Manchester United. Happily (and I never thought I’d say that) Man Utd have resisted admirably and have repeatedly beaten Chelsea on the pitch and in terms of points. But can they continue to prosper in a league with two financial superpowers instead of one, and especially when these clubs can spend with a sense of abandon? My worry is that they can’t, not forever, and with the possible demise of their ability to win titles, over the next two or three seasons we could potentially see a league contested only by City and Chelsea.
Is that a massive problem? I think it is. In my opinion we’re in the midst of the darkest days of the Premier League. Sure, our domestic league is full to bursting with great players and a variety of different teams with different styles, the games are end to end and we’re never far away from a classic match. But at what cost? I think we’re letting the integrity of our domestic game slip away under the strain of foreign investment. Russians, Americans, Arabs and investors from all corners of the planet are flocking to the Premiership to bask in its prestige, but in allowing these billionaires into our sport are we not relinquishing control over something that should remain quintessentially British? It feels like these foreign investors are having a great big game of who’s got the biggest shlong and we, the paying supporters of our respective clubs, are (in the main) having to foot the bill both financially and (more importantly) emotionally.
If the reports are true and Manchester City offer Arsenal 30 million for Van Persie then chances are they are going to accept. It’s sad but true, but Arsenal have always been a selling club. Van P looks like he wants to leave (if the quotes attributed to him are true) and the lure of playing in a competitive team whilst being very well paid may be too much for him to turn down. After all, a player only has a finite amount of time to find success and after that it’s retirement. Who can blame the top players for wanting to go to the clubs who are going to compete, and why should they give a shit where their wages come from?
Perhaps the saddest truth is that with the former Gunners mentioned in this article, Arsenal would be ideally placed to challenge for all major honors (much more so than they are currently capable of doing). Manchester City have rolled into to town, flung some money around, turned some heads and are now using their new found strength to try and tip the scales of power. What is most frustrating is that we knew this would happen, we’ve already seen the same thing at Stamford Bridge, and yet the FA, UEFA and FIFA have done nothing to stop it. Yes, we’ve got Financial Fair Play in the pipeline, but having watched City flaunt it with their £350 million pound joke of a stadium endorsement fund, we all know there are going to be ways around it.
So where does this leave us? Well, if you support City or Chelsea then I imagine things are looking pretty rosy right about now. For supporters of all other clubs the writing is on the wall for all to see. These middling uber-rich clubs are willing and able to not only pay whatever it takes to recruit the players they want, but to also massively inflate the market and make it impossible for other clubs to compete. Remember the days when £100,000.00 a week was a massive wage? There are City players on more than twice that now and the rise in prices don’t look like slowing down. Normal clubs, grown organically on gate receipts, sponsorship and television rights are becoming a relic in our new modern game and this developing trend shows no sign of abating. This may have something to do with the fact that the men who are capable of making the changes needed are amongst those getting rich off of the current regime – but that’s a story for a different day.
Arsenal are the poster boys for ‘how to run your club properly’. They play within the rules, they do things the right way and they try and compete whilst living within their own means. Sadly, they are also the clearest example of how a properly run club can be dismantled by their big-spending fantasy-football inspired rivals using nothing but big fat wads of oil money and a bit of media assisted tapping-up. Whether or not Arsenal have done much of the damage themselves is irrelevant, it is still happening. One of the best run clubs in football, the benchmark that UEFA is holding up for it’s FFP initiative, is having it’s assets picked off by wealthier clubs funded by private investors. Other clubs will see this happening and will wonder whats the point of doing things by the book if, at the end of the day, it’s pointless and clubs like Chelsea, City and Real Madrid just trample over their hard work. The authorities need to start protecting the clubs that try and do business properly, because if something isn’t done to change the path that we’re currently on then we risk losing the most important thing we have in football; the excitement of genuine, honest competition. And once that’s gone, who’s going to give a shit? I know I wont.

Another excruciatingly predictable weekend of football.

What an exciting weekend of Premiership games. Though not too many surprises.
This Saturday I was at a proper football match, watching Bromley scrape past their neighbours Welling into the next qualifying round of the FA cup. For the record; it was two pens and red card that made the difference for the home team. It was nice to get back to basics and watch a proper game of football.
Right, enough of that, lets go back to the big league and talk about what went on at the top, and more importantly, what we learned about the teams playing there.
Aston Villa 2 – 0 Wigan
Well, I think it’s fair to say that Villa are a better team than Wigan. No surprises with the result then. It’s good for England that Bent and Agbonlahor scored. I think (what I always think) that Wigan are going to struggle this season and their survival hopes rest entirely on the quality of the promoted teams. This year might be the year that the perennial over achievers actually do us all a favour and piss off back to a league that they belong in, a league where it matters not that your pitch has huge holes in it and that only ten thousand people bother coming to your home games.
Blackburn 0 – 4 Man City
Man City are, unsurprisingly, still looking awesome. They’ve got such a fantastic array of talent at the club that its difficult not to see them finishing top three. Don’t get me wrong, I still think that off the field they’re a bunch of money-grabbing whores and that they (along with Chelsea) are ruining football, but they’ve got some seriously class players and a good manager in Roberto Mankini. Blackburn are in trouble. Big Trouble. Relegation beckons. Next.
Bolton 1 – 5 Chelsea
Now I didn’t see this one coming to be honest. Not the result, that can always happen against Chelski. Nor the resurgence of the big spending Russian billionaires fantasy football team either, but the collapse of Owen Coyle’s Bolton. I just didn’t see it, I thought they looked good for a mid-table finish and another comfortable season. That’s not how it’s turning out though. Bolton look a mess; perhaps more so than any other team in the Prem. Sure they’ve had some tough games but they’re shipping goals galore and not scoring many, and we all know what that means in the Premier League. Coyle better sort it out soon or he’ll be getting his P45. Chelski on the other hand have turned a corner. They look like real contenders. I fully expect them to be the filling in an end-of-season Manchester sandwich.
Everton 0 – 2 Liverpool
When a Liverpool fan told me that Everton were robbed by the ref then I knew that it must be true. Once again another football match has been ruined by an inept referee. Liverpool are still looking good for 4th place (for my money) and Everton will still finish in the top half. That’s about when this one stops being interesting.
Fulham 6 – 0 QPR
I thought that Fulham were going to struggle this season, but maybe Martin Jol is going to prove me wrong. QPR, on the other hand, will struggle – of that I have no doubt. Though I think they’ll just stay up, it’s going to be tight tight tight. What a goal fest this game was (that’s 5 in 2 for Johnson), lovely stuff.
Man Utd 2 – 0 Norwich
Norwich got the praise for pushing the Mancs hard. It’s good that the Canaries are playing well, they’ll need to if they want to stay up. Don’t think we learned anything from this game; Man Utd are a great shout for the title and Norwich will give anyone a good game, but will often come up short.
Sunderland 2 – 2 West Brom
Bendtner scored for the Black Cats. He will prove an excellent signing I reckon. He was always played horribly out of position at Arsenal and with a good run in a team that plays to his strengths (which Sunderland do) I think he’ll score plenty of goals. Anyway, a score draw between two excellent candidates for 14th and 15th come May. Yawn.
Swansea 2 – 0 Stoke
Proof that a footballing team can beat the formidable Stoke City. It speaks volumes that Pulis and his team are no longer talked about as relegation candidates. Though they’ll have to do better than they are if they want to be serious challengers at the business end of the league. Swansea are also looking like a surprise package and might just stay up. Might.
Tottenham 2 – 1 Arsenal
This was quite a lackluster game. Arsenal proved they don’t have the heart to challenge for the title this season. They’ve got technical skills coming out of their bum-holes, but they just don’t look like they’ve got the minerals anymore. Tottenham didn’t look much better to be honest. Their first was a handball and the second should’ve been saved. Perhaps the most interesting thing that happened was at the end when Wenger refused to shake Clive Allen’s hand after the game (earlier this year Allen shoulder barged Wenger, and like an elephant Wenger didn’t forget). Rather amusingly Allen decided to stroll down from the high-ground he briefly inhabited and retorted to Wenger that he was a see you next tuesday. Classy.
Wolves 1 – 2 Newcastle
It’s only a matter of time before Newcastle come back to earth. Obviously that time is not here yet and fair play to them. They’re not as good as their position suggests and it wont be long before they’re back in mid-table where they belong, but who can begrudge them a taste of days gone by when they would finish near the top as a matter of routine. Expect another survival by the skin of their balls season for Wolves.
So, to sum up: Nothing unexpected happened. Nothing was confirmed that we didn’t already know. The Manchester teams are favourites. Chelsea look like the only viable challengers. Liverpool are, in my opinion, most likely to finish fourth. Arsenal don’t have the stones to win the league and Tottenham aren’t as good as they think they are and wouldn’t have won today were in not for a handball. At the other end of the table; none of the promoted teams look certainties to go down. Once again, it might be more interesting watching the drop than watching the top.
Right, that’s your lot. Now piss off.

Carlos Tevez – I’m a spoilt footballer, get me out of Manchester.

‘Carlos, we need you. We’re two goals down to a quality Bayern Munich team. Get on there and bag us a goal or two. Help us rescue the match’ Is close to something that Mancini might have said to Carlos Tevez last night.
‘I don’t want’ Tevez might have replied, throwing his hypothetical toys out of his hypothetical pram.
‘I don’t care Carlos, get your shirt on, you’re playing’ Mancini didn’t say.
‘No. I’m not playing’ Tevez said, eyes glowing red with fury.
‘I’m not asking Carlos. I’m the manager, your the player. You do the math.’ Said Mancini, possibly crying.
‘But I don’t wanna. And when Carlos doesn’t wanna do something, Carlos doesn’t do it’ You know a footballer means business when he starts talking about himself in the third person. With that last line, Mancini shuddered; he knew his mind was made up. Carlos Tevez wasn’t going to play football for Manchester City tonight.
Given that Carlos Tevez had problems settling into life at Manchester United, you have to wonder what part of that numbskulls brain thought it would be a good idea to move across town and sign for their wealthy neighbours, Manchester City. It’s still Manchester, Carlos. It still rains lots, Carlos. It’s still not Spain/Italy/Argentina/Brazil, Carlos.
Everyones favourite grizzly-necked Einstein picked moving across the city for reasons unknown. Actually, I’m going to stick my neck out on this one and speculate that he went for the £250,000.00 a week wages. So now we’ve established he’s greedy and thick.
And you can add to that list of admirable personality traits; petulant. Apparently the cheeky little twat has decided that he is to good to come on and play from the bench. He’s better than that. He’s a starter. Hmmmmmm.
Whilst I have to agree with him that he is too good to be a sub, it’s his bed and he made it, and so I have no sympathy for him. He’s signed for the hated neighbours of his team for nothing but money. He stayed in Manchester despite his family hating the area and wanting him to play elsewhere. He has constantly tried to engineer a move away from the Etihad Stadium.
The problem that Carlos ‘the brain’ Tevez has come across is that he’s now in a position that not many superstar players find themselves in; his club is too rich to give a shit what he wants.
Manchester City are almost better off making an example of him for current players and other prospective new signings: No matter how big your ego is, nothing is more important than the team. Usually a club, no matter how big, would have to bend to the wishes of a professional player who earns around a million pounds a month, such is his worth and cost. However, one thing that City have in abundance is wealth and they could quite easily absorb the cost of Tevez’s disrespectful behavior into their bottomless pit of oil money.
Since the incident in last nights Champions League game, Tevez has moved to calm matters by suggesting that it is all a ‘misunderstanding’. Not sure that shit’ll stick, Carlos. I think you might have just screwed yourself in an uncomfortable place. I think everybody is right behind Mancini and his decision that Tevez should never play for him again.
I hope Tevez gets chucked in the reserves for the rest of the season. He deserves the indignity of slumming it with youth players. Then I hope City flog him either in January or in the Summer. Either way, I hope they get shot of the little scrote. It’s players like him that are ruining the game. Out of one side of their mouths they preach hard work and integrity, out of the other all we can hear are the words ‘me me me me me me me me’.
So…. Carlos, we’ve all had a chat and we’ve decided it’s about time that you took your arrogant, holier-than-thou, money-grabbing attitude and fucked off. Have a nice career Carlos, you scumbag.

An Interesting Weekend…..

Well, that’s week four of this seasons Premier League put to bed, and what an interesting week it was. Here is my round-up…….
Arsenal 1 – 0 Swansea
Arsenal, by the skin of their balls, just scraped past Swansea. The Welsh team looked good on the ball and caused Arsenal all sorts of problems, they just didn’t have anything up front. It’s clear why they haven’t scored yet, their strikers are toilet. Arsenal looked nervous all over the pitch. Unless they pull their collective socks this is going to be a very long season for them.
Bolton 0 – 5 Man Utd
Bolton will be regretting not selling Gary Cahill. Not only have they lost out on millions, but his presence in the Wanderers back line seems to be non-existent. They’ve shipped 11 goals already this season. Manchester United we’re in imperious form. Wayne ‘The Hair’ Rooney has scored his second hat-trick in two games and I bet Arsene Wenger and Harry ‘fuck off I’m a football manager not a wheeler-dealer‘ Redknapp will be booking some of their players into clinics down Harley Street as we speak.
Everton 2 – 2 Villa
Everton and Villa pulled a predictable draw out of the bag. Predictable because they’re both pretty good teams and I had an inkling that they might cancel each other out.
Fulham 1 – 1 Blackburn
Well done to Blackburn for getting their first point of the season. Still, If they don’t get relegated this year I’ll eat my hat. They’ve got some decent players, but their manager Kean looks like a ‘yes man’ for the Venky’s and he’s already singing the excuses. When will people learn that you shouldn’t sack Fat Sam; he might roll out the most unimpressive football on the planet, but the man keeps his team up. I tell you what, there’s only one man who can save Blackburn now – Gary Megson.
Man City 3 – 0 Wigan
Manchester City are still looking good and comfortably put Wigan to the sword, but then they were always going to weren’t they! Like their neighbours (no, I don’t mean Oldham Athletic), they can’t seem to stop scoring goals for fun. This is going to be an interesting battle for the title methinks. There’s not a gnats pube between them, for my money.
Norwich 0 – 1 West Brom
Norwich City will (rightly) feel aggrieved not to have got something out of their game against WBA. They looked bright, although maybe lacking a little pace. West Brom showed their Premiership experience by being clinical when it mattered. Still, there is no excuse for the assault that Gabriel Tamas inflicted on James Vaughan in injury-time – it was a stone wall penalty and, once again, the ref missed it (he must have felt like a massive tit when he saw the blood pissing out of Vaughan’s mouth afterwards). Still, when it’s all said and done, this is the BIG TIME and Norwich got taught a lesson in ‘how to win dirty’ by West Brom.
QPR 0 – 0 Newcastle
QPR gave us a first look at their new team. Exciting times for the peeps at Loftus Road. I predict a long hard season, but i’ve got this feeling in my nuts that they’re going to stay up. Just. Newcastle will also be in the fight to stay up, but by the end they’ll have done enough. Though if they keep recycling good players then I can’t see their stay in the big league lasting forever. Didn’t watch this game, watched the BBC text service – wish I hadn’t bothered to be honest. What we writers do for you readers!
Stoke 1 – 0 Liverpool
Stoke proved that they’re here to stay with a good win over Liverpool. I think that the Karma Police reared their ugly heads at the very end of that game. Luis ‘I’m a big fat hand-balling cheat’ Suarez got booked in injury time for protesting too loudly after the ball-to-hand incident involving him and Matthew Upson. To be fair to him, it wasn’t the first clear handball of the game, but he’s had it coming since the cheating git did this.
Sunderland 1 – 2 Chelsea
Chelsea did exactly what they needed to if they intend on challenging the Manchester teams for the title; they won away at Sunderland. They’ve got a lot of strength in depth (Torres on the bench is testament to that) and lots of pace. I think they’re going to have a good season, but I don’t think they’ll win it. Maybe next year. Sunderland, without Gyan, looked a little limp. It’ll be interesting to see how high Bruce can steer them this season.
Wolves 0 – 2 Tottenham
Tottenham got back on the wagon after beating Wolves. To be honest, we all saw that coming, and it’s not a surprise that this got last billing on MOTD. Yawn…..

Manchester United Fans Predict A Riot

I upset myself today by clicking on a Daily Mail article (by accident – but still). What I found there was shocking to say the least. Apparently bitter Manchester United fans are trying their damnedest to spoil Man City’s first foray into the Champions League.
They’ve tried to do so by pretending to be City fans, going onto Napoli websites and trying to incite violence between the two sets of supporters when their teams meet later this month and again in November.
What a bunch of bastards.
Perhaps these ‘supporters’ don’t mind the idea of violence on the streets of Manchester because many of them are based down in Hampshire. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’d not want violence kicking off in my city, regardless of who was playing football. Are (some) United fans really that elitist that they can’t just get on with their own games without worrying about what their noisy neighbours are up to?
Given what’s happened in this country in recent weeks, I find it sad that a group of people are prepared to risk the lives of others by inciting violence against, potentially, people living in their own community.
I love a good rivalry. It keeps things saucy. I revel in the chanting and the banter and the banners. But at what point did these numbskulls think it would be alright to bypass perfectly acceptable football banter and try to (at best) injure someone or (at worst) get them killed?
I hope that the Manchester police find out who did this and throw the book at them. On top of any criminal proceedings taken against them, these fans should all be banned from watching football, at any ground, for life. Perhaps then they’ll have the time to think about what they’ve done.

Garry Cook Reveals His Tender Side

I love it when powerful people get caught with their pants down. The best bit is when they come up with fantastic excuses to try and get themselves out of the shit. Rather than ‘fess up and move on, they just come out with total nonsense as they try and get themselves off the hook.
Garry Cook, the chief executive of Manchester’s richest club, Man Citeh, has (allegedly) accidentally emailed a colleague (he thought he was emailing someone else) ridiculing them for having cancer and being ‘ravaged with it’. Not only is the man hateful, but it seems he cant operate his emails properly. That’s a big fat oops on his behalf.
The colleague in question is defender Nedum Onuoha’s mother, Dr Anthonia Onuoha. Apparently she’s the person at the club who looks after player’s contract arrangements.
This story is both hilarious and sad at the same time. Sad that Cook thinks its funny to mock or make light of people with serious illnesses. Hilarious because doing so, and getting caught in the act, has revealed to the world what a giant wanker he is.
What I enjoyed most about this revelation was the fact that rather than man-up and deal with it properly, Cook has gone on the defensive, suggesting that some naughty little scamp has hacked his email account and sent the message on his behalf.
I’m sorry Garry, but that’s a load of bollocks.
Why would anyone in their right mind hack someones account and send someone such a hateful mail?! Let’s face it, even if a hacker had got into his emails, there are any number of ways of discrediting the man without resorting to such remorseless levels of bullying.
Surely any hacker worth his salt would have sent the message to Sheikh Mansour ‘accidentally’ telling him what lovely tea towel he wears on his head, or they would have emailed the secretary ‘accidentally’ saying something inflammatory about her great rack. Not according to Garry though, no no no, apparently his hacker mocks the critically ill.
Hopefully the Man City board will investigate the matter properly, confirm that he did what it’s alleged that he did, and then sack the bastard for being a bastard. If and when that happens, I doubt I’ll be the only one laughing my arse off.
PS. Garry Cook came onto my radar recently when he alerted the world to his and Samir Nasri’s shared parentage. The video is long and boring, but at the end Cook definitely refers to Nasri as his ‘brother’. It made my soul shudder; here is a man trying too hard to be cool. Click here to see it in full.

Transfer Deadline Day # 2

A power cut robbed me of my first entry (about 30 seconds before I submitted it – you can imagine the expletives) so this one is going to be much more functional.
First I’ll go with the confirmed signings; then I’ll round up the maybes.
Arsenal left it to the very last second to sign Mikel Arteta from Everton. It took a transfer request and about 10 million squids to make it happen. Everton fans will be pissed as the proceeds will undoubtedly go straight into the overdraft and not back into the squad. To cheer them up Moyes has moved to sign Royston Drenthe from Real Madrid (on loan I think). Arsenal wrapped up a loan deal of their own; Yossi Benayoun is going to be sitting on the Emirates subs bench this season it would seem.
Bolton signed Kakuta on loan from Chelsea. I’ve heard good things about him, it’ll be interesting to actually see him play. They’ve also moved to sign Ngog from Liverpool, the figure I heard was 4 million, but don’t quote me on that.
Palacios has joined Stoke. Tony Pulis will be delighted. He’ll be an excellent signing, just you watch. Stoke have have also made Cameron Jerome their new bitch. We’re waiting to see if the Peter Crouch deal goes through or not. I bet the Potters fans can’t wait to see his robot dance.
Scott Dann has hopped and skipped his way up to Blackburn. He must be very happy. Personally I thought he might get a bigger club. They’ve also signed Yakubu, presumably they’ll feed the Yak chicken and he will score.
Chelsea had their own last minute dot com moment and signed Meireles from Liverpool at the last second. Apparently he handed in a transfer request at around 10pm. Talk about fannying around.  Still, it worked. I’m sure he’s looking forward to his reunion with Villas-Boas. Expect lots of continental kissing and passionate embraces.
Liverpool fans can console themselves with the fact that they have splashed out on everyones favourite ultra-violent umpa-lumpa – Craig Bellamy. He’ll do well there methinks.
The billionaires favourite – Shaun Wright-Phillips – has made the move to QPR. We’re waiting to hear whether the Ferdindand deal went through.
There were all sorts of saucy rumours flying around. There were murmurs of Kaka to Spurs but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen as soon as we heard the words ‘Kaka’ and ‘Spurs’ in the same sentence.
Wesley Sneijder didn’t sign for Manchester United. Frankly I’m relieved. The last thing they needed was more quality in the middle of the park. Staying in Manchester, Tevez didn’t get his move away. I imagine he’ll just have to be happy earning a fortune whilst living in a box  in Mancini’s basement.
Ribery was suggested as a possible signing for Chelsea. It’s probably for the best that that didn’t happen. Imagine a Terry/Ribery pulling team; Terry does to shagging, Ribery coughs up the dough afterwards. The women of London can sleep easy tonight. Wayne Rooney will be disappointed though; he’s still the ugliest player in the Premier League – despite his ever-so-pretty new barnet.
Last, but not least; there was a fantastic rumour that City offered Barcelona 100 million and Balotelli in exchange for Messi. Now that would have been funny.

Transfer Deadline Day # 1

Arsenal have been busy busy busy today. They’ve confirmed the signings of two defenders: Mertesaker and Santos. Two great bits of business by the looks of things. Now all they need is some midfielders. Arteta is looking like the man they want, though if I were Wenger I’d be suspicious; he went through the Barcelona Academy. Perhaps he should have a DNA test as part of his medical.
Joe Cole has picked Lille (the French champions), over Aston Villa. You’ve got to feel sorry for Cole; he was supposed to be the next best thing and he’s….. well….. not. That signing fueled all sorts of rumours regarding Eden Hazard, but so far it looks like that ain’t happening.
Wilson Palacios and Peter Crouch still don’t know where they’ll be playing next season. Presumably they’ll go wherever you can get a better deal on a tube of Pringles. Those curved little buggers just get Crouchy dancing. Expect them to head up North somewhere.
Owen Hargreaves has signed on the dotted line for Man Citeh. Presumably they’re trying to keep their physios busy, after all they pay them and it’s not fair if they just sit around on their arses all day doing nothing.
Villa have made two underwhelming signings with Alan Hutton and Jermaine Jenas heading over to the second city. I envisage they got sold purely to fund…..
Last seasons Player of the Year – Scott Parker – has just signed for the Spurs. Great bit of business by that scamp ‘Arry ‘fuck off I’m a football manager, not a wheeler dealer’ Redknapp. Can’t believe nobody signed him before today.
Greasing the wheels of that transfer were the loan signings of Bentley and Lansbury. I reckon that West Ham have done a good bit of business there. And here was me thinking they were skint. Staying in the Championship momentarily, West Ham have also signed the player with the best name in world football; Papa Bouba Diop. I never get bored of saying that.
Christian Poulsen has come out of retirement at Liverpool to sign for France’s answer to Peckham Springs – Evian.
Zdenek Grygera signed for Fulham. Expect to see him worshipping at the shrine to Wacko Jacko any minute now – it’s in the contract.
Davide Santon went from Milan to Newcastle late last night. Boy, he’s in for a shock.
There have been some other transfers but none of them did anything for me, so I’m gonna pretend they didn’t happen.

Transfer Bollocks

Transfer gossip is reaching fever pitch tonight with the window closing in just over 24 hours. Tomorrow I’ll take a look at who’s bought who.
By the time you read this, expect some of the mentioned deals to have gone through.
Arsenal need new faces and fast. After getting well and truly spanked by the Champions on Sunday, Arsene Wenger’s red cheeks have emerged from the darkness of the Emirates to place several bids on several players. Some of them might have even passed puberty. The shock. The horror.
Mertesaker is seemingly on his way to North London. That will please Gooners everywhere. Santos looks like in interesting attacking full-back, if the deal is done. After kidnapping Park Chu-Young (see yesterdays blog here) Arsenal seem to have sorted their striker shortage.
With the exception of Mertesaker, whose signing will no doubt please most supporters, Arsenal have yet to address their most pressing issues. The most notable of which is the gaping hole in the middle of their midfield. Apparently Dortmund have politely given Arsenal the finger following an unsuccessful bid for Mario Goetze. Though, given the fact that he’s only just grown pubes, most Arsenal supporters will probably breath a sigh of relief.
The Gunners have also been sniffing around the Chelsea subs bench of late. Apparently they like the smell of Malouda, Alex and Benayoun. I predict that one of these might go. Maybe. But then what do I know?!
In Wenger’s usual stomping ground of Ligue 1 there are rumours aplenty. Lucho Gonzalez is too old for Wenger so don’t expect to see him. Marvin Martin is a possibility as is nearly every other creative midfielder worth his salt. M’Vila looked likely but apparently Rennes want 30 trillion for the player. No, I can’t see it either.
I know, I’m banging on about Arsenal a lot. Don’t worry, I’m nearly done. But I promise you the dealings there are more interesting than at any other club. You’ll see.
It might be easier to list the players that Arsenal haven’t been linked with. Maybe not, but you get the idea. There are fecking hundreds of them. Here’s a digest, in no particular order.
Cahill, Samba, Jagielka, Dann, Baines, Vertonghen, McCarthy, Arteta, Hazard, Jadson, Willian, Elia, Pereira, Zarate, Benzema, Defoe, Doyle etc etc etc etc zzzzzzzz. There are more, but I stopped giving a shit halfway into that list.
Aston Villa are apparently having a look at the perennially-crocked Owen Hargreaves. That sounds like a really ‘good’ idea. Unless he’s going to give them a cut in his next fitness video I can’t imagine why anyone would want him on their physio table. They must be desperate.
Alan Hutton might be on his way from Spurs. They also quite fancy Yossi Benayoun. That cheeky little Israeli scamp must have put something in the water because everyone seems to want a piece of him today. Scott Parker has an outside chance of signing for the Villans.
At the end of the day I don’t expect anything exciting to happen over there. It’s almost as if Alex McLeish has sucked all joy out of that place.
Blackburn Rovers once dreamed of signing Ronaldinho, but since he realised that they intended on paying him with giblets, there has been an unsurprising lack of transfer activity going on at the club. They look like they might sign Scott Dann from Birmingham and they’ve also been linked with the not world-famous furniture store Bangura’s of Stockholm. Meh.
Bolton might have condemned Gary Cahill to Europa League football. The bastards. By playing hardball with Arsenal and pricing the player out of the move he wanted, it looks like Cahill’s options are now limited. He said he wanted to play Champions League, so lets see if he waits for a free transfer or if he goes for the payrise that Tottenham will surely offer.
The Wanderers have been linked with that pint-sized bundle of pace Shaun Wright-Phillips. Good signing he would be I think. Well that’s how Yoda would write it if was: 1. Real. 2. A football writer and not a Jedi Master. They’re also looking at NGog from Liverpool; presumably they’re not missing enough easy chances.
Chelsea have probably done most of their business. After all, they’ve spent enough money to make Solomon blush. Word on the street is that they’re talking to Stoke about loaning out their 20 million signing Lukaku. Can’t see it myself. Seems like they’re spending money now before the Financial Fair Play comes into effect, effectively stockpiling players for a rainy day. It’s not fair, but nobody seems to have noticed.
The one possible signing that could happen in the next 24 hours is Modric. Is he worth the reported 30 mil that Spurs are after? Maybe, maybe not. But lets face it, nobody gives a toss if Chelski get ripped off, do they?! Still, he’d be a good signing for them.
Oh, I nearly forgot about Gregory van der Wiel. Another quality full-back for the subs bench. Presumably Chelsea plan on arming the defenders with air rifles and forcing them to compete in a work-experience-boy shoot-out for a place in the first team.
Everton have no money. They might get a loan signing but I doubt it. They’re that skint. The vultures are circling now and expect one or two first teamers to ship out tomorrow. Arteta to Arsenal, maybe. Coleman to Liverpool, maybe. We’ll see. It’s a shame cos Everton are a great club. It proves just how difficult it is to compete with the big boys if you don’t have a sugar daddy to sit behind you, stroke your hair and buy you nice handbags.
Fulham are definitely on the prowl for new players. Their options seem limited because: 1. They don’t like to spend lots of money. 2. They’re just not that exciting. 3. Mohammed Al Fayed insists that all new signings worship at his private shrine to Michael Jackson. Just the thought of it sends shivers down my spine.
They’ve cast their beady eye on Grygera from Juventus. I won’t lie, I haven’t got a frickin clue who he is. More likely is Zaha from Palace and Jerome from Birmingham. Nothing scares fans more than pillaging players from the championship. I expect a tough season for them.
Liverpool have lots of money and they’re not afraid to spend it.
Some crazy rumours are about involving Joe Cole (almost certainly on his way to Lille on loan), a wedge of dirty five pound notes, a bottle of lubricant and Eden Hazard. I think it’s gossip mongers grasping at straws, but hey ho.
Sebastian Coates looks like a done deal. Look forward to loads of ‘get your Coates love, you’ve pulled’ jokes. I know I am.
Coleman looks a possibility, though it remains to be seen whether Everton want to suffer the indignity of dropping on all fours and selling one of their prized assets to a much hated local rival. Though money makes people do the strangest things.
Afellay is a long bet from Barca. And I read somewhere that King Kenny is going to have a head-butting competition with Arsene Wenger to see who will sign Pereira from Parma.
Breaking news. Liverpool in for 1 goal in 4 game striker Zarate. Do me a favour. NO CHANCE.
Manchester City, fresh from signing everyone good, have probably finished with their shopping. Though you never know. Fernando Gago from Real, maybe? Hargreaves from the United treatment table is more likely. Some people have called this one a gamble. Though it’s not really a gamble if you have all the money in the world, is it?!
I’ll be honest, I don’t really care what they do.
Manchester United proved at the weekend that they don’t really need to sign anyone else. That said, they’ve been heavily linked with the excellent Wesley Sneijder all summer. It’s a deal that may still happen. If it does, United will have put the cherry on top of an excellent midfield. Pound for pound they might not have the best players, but they’re a cracking team. Couple that with more injury time minutes than you can shake a stick at and you’ve got a winning formula.
They’ve also been linked with some dude called Ganso. He’s probably good. If you really care then google him.
Newcastle. Now that Mike Ashley is putting the finishing touches on dismantling the team that got his club promoted, he’s looking for cheap replacements to help them kick on. They’ve already made some interesting signings and they look like that they might make one or two more.
Davide Santon is the most likely. Having sold Enrique to Liverpool they need a cheaper alternative. They’re looking to loan Macheda from the Red Mancs. PSV’s Pieters looks like he might be on his way; expect him to be cheap too. I also read a rumour about Aly Cossokho from Lyon.
It seems like Ashley and co., are following the Wenger method. Sell your players at home, buy replacements of dubious quality from France and hope that it all works out. Perhaps someone should point out to the Newcastle board that it hasn’t really worked out all that well at Arsenal.
Norwich City’s survival this season hinges on who they have and who they will sign this summer. They’ve recruited from the lower leagues so far with Vaughan and Ayala the only exceptions. To be honest, rumours are a bit thin on the ground here. The best I could come up with is a last ditch attempt to sign Lansbury from Arsenal. I’m sorry, don’t hate me.
QPR – now this is more like it. They’ve got a few quid laying about somewhere I think. They’ve been linked with Scott Dann and Shaun Wright-Phillips. Can’t see either happening, but never doubt the power of the pound.
Someone somewhere says that they’re interested in signing Liam Ridgewell from Birmingham. I know many Villa fans will be disappointed that he’s not going back to them, but they’ll get over it.
They have just signed left-back Traore from Arsenal. Obviously he did a great job of selling himself on Sunday.
Stoke have been strongly linked with footballing journeyman and Pringles salesman Peter Crouch and his side kick, Wilson Palacios. Pretty boring rumours if you ask me; however, I think both would fit right in to Pulis’ team. If they sign them both then I think most Potters fans will be pretty chuffed with their summer spending.
Sunderland are a team who have spent this summer. They’ve got loads of new faces in at the Stadium of Light. Whether they’ll gel or not is a different matter; time will tell.
In an attempt to undo all their good work in the market it sounds like they’re trying to waste some wonga on signing Samaras. I think the only people who would be happy about that deal are Celtic fans.
Interestingly they’ve been linked to Papiss Cisse from Freiburg. He’s been scoring goals for fun in Germany. If they sign both Cisse and Samaras I think they’ll cancel each other out and they’ll be just as good as they were before they signed them.
Also, I just read that they too like the cut of Peter Crouch’s jib. It’s all about the strikers up there it would seem.
Swansea have, according to those devils over at Sky, just signed German keeper Gerhard Tremmel for free. Expect him to never play.
They also want to sign Master Bates from Middlesborough. I’m so funny.
That is all.
Tottenham! Why the exclamation mark I hear you scream? Well, I expect old ‘Arry ‘fuck off I’m a football manager not a wheeler dealer’ Redknapp to do some serious business in the next 24 hours.
They’ve been linked with Owen Hargreaves. Though I imagine he’ll stay up in Manchester one way or another. They’ve been heavily linked with Scotty Parker and, to be fair, it looks like a good match. They’ve also been giving Yossi Benayoun the eye today, hoping that he elopes with them instead of one of his other suitors.
Craig Bellamy has been touted as a possible signing. You never know, the no-necked bully might fancy a bit of London action. It also looks like they might make a move for Gary Cahill in a player plus cash deal, but he’ll only go if they buy him some Milk Tray.
They’ve been linked with Damiao for a while now; thats a maybe. According to the Times they’ve been passing love notes after class to both Fofana of Le Havre and Barta of Barca; it’s called hedging your bets and we’ve all done it.
Harry’s been trying it on with Joe Cole all summer, though it looks like he’s fallen in love with the French. He likes the accent and the ease at which they surrender to his charms. Allegedly.
I expect one or two of these players to sign. And probably one or two that we haven’t even heard of. He moves in mysterious ways does old ‘Arry.
West Brom are going to be tough to write up. I can’t find any decent rumours. They looked like they might sign Owen Hargreaves, but even he bolted when he realised just how boring they are. Expect Woy Hodgson to make one signing that nobody has ever heard of and expect it to be very boring. To be fair he has transformed them from being the team most likely to get relegated to being the team most likely to be terminally boring. Yawn….. You see what I meant about Arsenal now. Bet you wish I could rub some funk into this section don’t you?!
Wigan have just signed Albert Crusat from Almeria. According to some news outlets. It’s probably true. Why would they lie? Everyones favourite hate-rag – the Daily Mail – reckons they want to sign dos Santos from Spurs. Not really that interesting is it?!
A carrier pigeon just arrived here with news that Wigan are in talks with Celtic over the signing of Shaun Maloney.
I read somewhere on Twitter that they were looking at two South Americans called Canuhe and Fernandes. Sounds about right. They tend to make most of their signings by buying prospects from across the Atlantic. Expect one or two transfers and expect them to be just good enough to help keep Wigan up by the skin of their collective balls.
Wolves. Why do I feel like I’m talking to myself right now?! Well, as far as I can tell, nobody wants to sign for them and between you and me, I’m not surprised.

Manchester 13 London 3

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. There are bound to be some seriously embarrassed supporters, players and managers in the capital today.
As a friend of mine noted; yesterday was ‘The day Manchester spanked North London’.
Ferguson has once again proved that he is the grandmaster of English football.
Mancini has proved once and for all that if you keep throwing money at a team, eventually it will be awesome.
Lets look at this chronologically. First the Spurs vs City.
Spurs started well. Then they got spanked. City looked depressingly superb. I watched the game and thought to myself; this team are definitely in with a shout for the league.
Nasri looks like an excellent signing. Dzeko was in imperious form, at last justifying his dizzying price-tag. Add to that Toure, Aguero and a whole host of equally accomplished international players and you’ve got yourself some serious title contenders.
They pulled Tottenham apart. It was like watching a cat toying with an injured mouse. It was, towards the end, embarrassing. Nobody likes getting a hiding, but to get one at home….. ouch. There must have been Arsenal fans watching, waiting for their big kick-off. Oh how they must have laughed.
I think the only consolation that Spurs will have taken from yesterday was that theirs wasn’t the most humiliating defeat. Which takes us nicely to the afternoons big game.
Yesterday, Manchester United look every bit like defending champions. Despite lacking their first choice centre-back pairing they looked confident in defence. What’s even more worrying for everyone else is that going forward, despite fielding a relatively young team, they were excellent.
With every attack they looked like they were going to score. Arsenal just didn’t turn up. in truth, it really could have been double figures for the Mancs.
In fact, Arsenal didn’t just not turn up, Arsenal were truly woeful. I have never seen such an inept defensive display from the Gunners. This was the opposite of Adam, Keown et al.
Sure, they can site an extensive injury list and tiredness from the midweek champions league qualifier, but nobody is going to believe that, are they?! If he does call on those tried and tested excuses, surely Arsene Wenger is now ‘the boy that cried wolf’. We’ve heard it all before. Arsenal need extensive surgery, and not merely a face lift.
I think the only consolation that Gooners will have taken from yesterday was that they are not bottom of the league, Spurs are.
The two Manchester clubs exposed some serious flaws in their rivals yesterday.
City showed the Spuds that whilst power and pace are all good, you’ve got to blend that with being clinical. However, I’m not prepared to write Spurs off on the basis of one bad match. They’ve got a quality manager in Harry ‘fuck off I’m a football manager, not a wheeler dealer’ Redknapp and I have no doubt that if he were given the same level of investment as Mancini has been given at City, then we’d be singing their praises instead.
Arsenal, on the other hand, need to be worried. Ferguson had to stick up for his opposite number after the match. Surely that’s got to hurt the most; your once fierce rival effectively giving you a sticker and a lollipop and congratulating you on being a brave boy. Ouch.
United have exposed some serious flaws at Le Arse. The Gunners have spent the last five years selling their best players and replacing them from the bargain bucket. Whilst nobody can argue that the football they play can be exquisite, it only works if you have players who are good enough to do it. There are far too many them there who haven’t got the skills, or the minerals, to compete at the top level, it would seem. The rest have just had too much thrust upon them at too young an age, the risk being that if Wenger isn’t careful, he’ll ruin that talent and they’ll end up being 22 year old has-beens.
Both London clubs need to recruit some new players. Wenger has a substantial war chest and he needs to spend it all on proven talent, not potential. If he doesn’t he’s, for want of  a better expression, ‘up shit creek without a paddle’. Redknapp, on the other hand, needs to get rid of the unsettled Luca Modric and use the cash to buy a suitable replacement. He may also want to strengthen his defensive and striking options.
On the basis of yesterday I’d say that the title is almost certainly heading up to the North-West. Both Manchester clubs are looking like the real deal. There is also something in the back of my mind that refuses to rule out Liverpool. For me, they’re the dark horses in the race for the title and if they can get some momentum going who knows what they’re capable of.
Whatever happens, it’s certainly going to be an interesting season.